Thursday, December 20, 2007


I posted this as a reply to the comments to yesterday’s post, but I’d hate a casual visitor to arrive here and see only that post without the subsequent recantation.

Well. I don't know what got into me yesterday; probably a mix of uncertainty over a number of things, over-tiredness, and recent changes at work which mean I have less autonomy than I've been used to.

Whatever; that was the biggest load of bollocks I've posted in a very long time, and I'm grateful to Chris for pointing it out in no uncertain terms! The only thing I'll say in my defence is that I didn't choose my words very well, and the message that came across may not have been quite the message I intended to give - but perhaps that's because I didn't understand so well just where I thought I was coming from.

The feeling of powerlessness is a real issue I have to work on, but there's no way I want to fill the same mould as your typical Mr Successful. No, the other issue I have still to think about is the Why Am I Here? question.

You see, I have a notion that each and every one of us has a reason for being here, a purpose to fulfill, an identity to manifest in the world. Maybe it's a false notion, or maybe I've got its meaning distorted, but I get an uneasy feeling sometimes that I'm not doing stuff that I ought to be doing.

Of course, that 'stuff' could just as easily be, say, sharing experiences through blogging as it could be some much more overtly Grand and Noble Work. Perhaps then the reason for the sudden attack of panic was that I'm two thirds of the way to my threescore years and ten, and I still haven't figured out why I'm here.

You know, I have an inkling that the reason I can't find an answer is because I'm asking the wrong question... or maybe the answer is there all the time and I just can’t see it because it’s not in a shape I’m expecting… For the moment though, the tiredness, on which I’m still in part blaming yesterday’s drivel, is as present as ever so I’m going to give all of those questions a rest for a while.

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