Older, but no wiser

Prologue: As I sit down to write, I notice that familiar pressure – an urgency to get something - anything - down onto the page, a drive which hammers on past the ephemeral wisps of ideas coalescing at the edge of consciousness. I see these only as simple, bold, primary colours, missing their subtle shades. I become a hammer, forcing my thoughts into the form of nails; hard, defined, purposeful.

What was today’s thought? Jekyll and Hyde, I called myself a couple of days ago, thinking of my parallel lives of office worker and bass player in a rock musical. But of course, Stevenson’s famous novel (which I confess I’ve never read) is about a much darker side to the human psyche than a simple dual role.

I may be no Mr Hyde, but when you hear me talking about ending this blog, it is my dark side that is talking; a self-destructive demon, probably present to a greater or lesser degree in all of us. It’s engaged in a constant struggle with my “white knight” rational controlling self; mostly it is the latter which has the upper hand; the dark side never really expects to be victorious, nevertheless it is constantly probing its opponent’s defences, attacking any signs of weakness – of which there are many.

So when I referred to “make or break time”, it was with the foreknowledge that, strong though the dark side demon may be, the white knight is stronger and will win – and therefore has in a sense already won – the battle. (And that last is a sentence on which, I think, I would do well do dwell…)

I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve dreamed up closing posts to this blog. A few have got as far as paper, but none was ever posted. Deeper than the feelings of anger, frustration, inadequacy, fear – or just plain lethargy – is the knowledge that for our health we humans need to connect and communicate, just as we need air and water.