Older, but no wiser

This kinda follows on from a trail that ran cold several months ago…

This post has been brewing for a while; or rather, fragments of thought with a common theme keep occurring to me, but I've not been able to piece them together into anything coherent - the thoughts are too broad, too indistinct. But beyond the fog, I know there hides a clarity I must pursue...

This is all around those deep questions that sound too trite to take seriously - or is it that they're too huge, too scary? Questions like: "Who am I?", "Why am I here?"

I've been conscious for some time of operating in two distinct worlds – or worlds that I keep distinct from each other - the external world of speech and action, and the internal world of thought and emotion (okay, in my case more thought than emotion, but that's another story...). I've been aware of switching between two states, neither of them satisfactory: over-engagement with the inner world of thought and introspection, with consequent disconnection from the outer world, alternating with a martyr-like submission to the demands of the external world.

It doesn't make a lot of sense - I claim to crave a deep connection with other people, yet the reality is that I hold myself aloof, seemingly preferring the solitude of my inner world. Recently though - that is to say, since the start of the counselling process nearly a year ago - I've become aware of a third world, or a third aspect of self, that seems distinct again from the other two, the outer and inner worlds.

I wish I could put this better... I'm stuck at present in a rather detached, rather emotionless, almost scientific way of thinking, and the language I use will probably reflect that, but I want to get something down here; maybe it'll free up my thinking and allow it to move on; maybe someone else will have something useful to add.

In amongst all the external routine and inner turmoil, I get - very occasionally - flashes of something quite different. Messages from an inner self?? Not the inner self of intellect and never-ending internal debate, nor the inner commentator, forever judging and criticising, nor even the watcher who monitors and safeguards, preventing the wilder excursions of the others from going too far. No, these messages come from somewhere much deeper within; they feel trustworthy, coming from a place where only honesty, integrity and wholeness can exist. My true core being? My soul?

Does that sound fanciful? An elaborate construct to bolster an attractive but entirely artificial notion? It feels that way sometimes, and yet...

These "messages" as I'm calling them don't come very often. And they're always non-verbal; this part of self doesn't use language, doesn't think and communicate in terms the rest of "us" (that is, aspects of me) readily understand. ‘Gut feel’ gets closest to it; a visceral response to sights, sounds, sensations, that I sense is more than "mere" emotion; something deep within responds to an experience and tries to flag it up to my dulled mind: “Look; do you see this? This represents who you are; this surge you feel in your gut is me, calling you, telling you, shouting at you in the only way I can, but you’re too wrapped up in yourself to listen. In any case; you don’t WANT to believe.” Only like I say, there are no words, just a dimly felt sense.

In a way that I can't explain, I know that this is my truest self making himself known. Having been walled away all these years, the processes of counselling, of journalling - yes, and of blogging too - are just beginning to loosen some of the bricks in the wall.

I'm sure this has been said many times - that our highest calling, our highest purpose in this world is no more - and no less - than to be the person we were born to be; fully to manifest who we are.

So back to those questions. Who am I? Why am I here? The answers aren't somewhere "out there"; they're somewhere in here, and they're looking for a way out. I need to learn the language of the soul in order to be sensitive to its messages; I need to still the drive of the external self for action, need to quiet the incessant babble of the inner self, and listen...