Friday, October 31, 2003

Something in the air... 

There’s something in the air. I have a feeling of expectancy, of suppressed excitement. An inner energy I haven’t felt for a long, long time. I catch myself smiling, chuckling inwardly, for no apparent reason; there’s a spring in my step, such that sometimes I almost feel like breaking into a song and dance routine like they do in the musicals – except that my singing is pretty dire and my dancing totally, utterly non-existent. Although I went into work by train today, not on the bike, I don’t have the slightest feelings of guilt. No need to prove anything; no need to find identity that way.

Part of the magic is a reawakening awareness of experience.

It’s a bit like being a kid on the night before Christmas, about to wake up with a new toy. I’ve shaken the box and rattled it, guessing at what’s inside but still uncertain. But is it a gift I can just receive, or will it be a gift of my own making?

I think I have to do the work; the universe isn’t going to hand me anything on a plate. The future is no clearer today than it was yesterday. I could easily take a wrong turn – or rather a turn that takes me away from the unseen path I’ve stumbled onto. I’m not going to try and map out the future. I tried that before and it didn’t work; it led only to disappointment as my poorly-founded, shakily-built towers of circumstantial strategy tottered and fell time and again.

It’s a bit like following an indistinct path in the mist – no good just walking in the right general direction; the path is so indistinct I could easily stray off it without knowing, and stumble around lost. No, I need to follow this path one step at a time, seeing each step, each new direction as it emerges from the swirling mists and gradually becomes clear. And with each step, the mists hiding the next part a little.

Watch this space.

And thanks John, Stormwind, Lois, Jack, Bj, Euan, Jon, Beth, Flemming.


I wrote that earlier today, but didn't post it at the time. Something held me back - I just made a mental note that maybe my feet need to stay on floor even if my head goes above the clouds from time to time. Now, some of that earlier energy has dissipated a little (well, it is 11:00 on a Friday night!) But I wanted to record my state of mind from earlier; it was valid then and it will be valid again.

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